Paste: hilarity ensues

I DO ANYTHING (30307)

Date: 2011-02-07, 3:58PM EST
Reply to: see below 

travisdoesanything@gmail.com 

My name is Travis Broyles and I will do whatever* you want me to do for less money than whoever you are paying to do it now. 

Below is a list of just some of the things I can do. I do want to stress that I DO ANYTHING so email me if your requested service is not listed here. 

Things I Will Do For $5: 
Stare at you for 5 minutes 
Give a hug to the person of your choosing 
Call you on the phone and seem genuinely interested for 10 minutes 
Draw your face on a balloon 
Sing Barenaked Ladies' "One Week" from memory to the best of my ability 
6 minutes of copywriting 

Things I Will Do For $10: 
Write your new theme song 
Sing your new theme song on your voicemail 
Spin until I throw up or you lose interest 
Rename your Pokémon 
Host a conference call with you and a person that you've always thought was cool but never really got the chance to hang out with, you know? 
12 minutes of copywriting 

Things I Will Do For $50: 
Break-up with your boyfriend or girlfriend 
Help you quit smoking (I'll call you every day for a month and yell "HEY DON'T SMOKE") 
Tell the person you like that you think they're cute and what if you had sex together? 
Try my best to fly in a public place for an hour 
Make you a really great profile picture 
1 hour of copywriting 

Things I Will Do For $100: 
Tell your kids which one is actually your favorite, and what the others could do to improve their standings 
Fight someone much smaller or girl than me 
Email you a list of 250 things I like about you (need access to any and all social network accounts) 
Clean most of your house and apologize for the things I didn't 
Deliver 5 fully cooked DiGiorno pizzas right to your door (5 mile radius from my home) 
2 hours of copywriting 

Things I Will Do For $1,000: 
Host an event (will not host anything racially insensitive, e.g. human being auction) 
Give a PowerPoint presentation on team building to your business and/or extended family 
Rename your children 
Build you a cardboard car and make vroom-vroom sounds while you drive it 
Star treatment for a month (I'll hide in bushes and take pictures of you) 
20 hours of copywriting 

Things I Will Do For $100,000: 
Yell your name every time I wake up for the rest of my life 
Change my political and spiritual leanings 
Screen all your phone calls for five years 
Recreate the best day of your life (or worst, whatevs) 
84 straight days of copywriting *BEST VALUE* 

If interested, email me at travisdoesanything@gmail.com. 

*Prices and tasks are subject to negotiation. I will not murder or steal or perform a legendary murdersteal. No rapes, and the sex has to be unrelated to the payment, like "Oh, after you're done cutting those trees down, do you want some lemonade?" but the lemonade means sex, mostly.